Thursday, February 21, 2008

The visceral "Into the Wild" reaction

Fried from months of pouring over pages of xeroxed printed powerpoint slides earlier this year, I suddenly had a strange, but compelling desire to learn about the Appalachian trail. I spent a couple hours on google, amazon, and half.com and before too long had purchased over ten books on national parks, backroad driving, and other travel narratives. I recently developed a fierce desire to drive solely on backroads through less populated areas. My former roommate spends the late part of every night buying baseball tickets and books and planning brief three-day trips with a core group of friends to baseball games. When talking to a friend earlier this year, out of the blue, he mentioned to me that he wanted to hike the Appalachian trail this summer. The common tennant of all of these experiences, I believe is a visceral reaction to studying and a stressful life of monotony, high expectations, and little edifying activity.
My former roommate is studying in a masters program, and my other friend is a fellow medical student. We all generally are excited about our future careers, but the dreary path leading to the doorstep can sometimes be overwhelming. Our escape then seems to be to planning what we will be doing when we are not studying. Of course, our plans extend far beyond any realistic possibility, but a small percentage of those plans come to fruition. My current roommate and I are going backpacking in the smokies next week. The following week my former roommate, some others, and I are making a bonzai trip to Florida to catch several Spring Training games. Those few actualities keep the hope alive.
In between lectures, I let myself read a chapter or two (or eight, depending on my current state) of Jon Krakauer's Into the Wild. The story chronicles the life of an affluent college graduate who traveled the country, eventually landing in the Alaskan wilderness where he died of starvation. The story is compelling and resonates with so many because it lives out the deep seeded desires within me to just take off and see what happens. I can more-or-less tell you what I will be doing on any given day for the next several months and only slightly more generally the next three plus years. The idea that I may have some unexpected adventures makes the monotony a little more tolerable.
While not everyone may share the desire to return to the wilderness, or take part in the Americana spectacle that is Major League Baseball, I think everyone has some sort of outlet or hope that keeps them pressing forward. I had a discussion with friends about how vacations, which seemed meaningless even a couple years ago, now achieved the sort of status in our minds as they did in the older generations' in our younger years. This is not to say that I do not enjoy my current state as a medical student. In fact, I generally find what I am learning fascinating, but the balance I crave cannot be satisfied by book study.
However, I do recognize the role book study has and will continue to have in my life. Yet the temptation, like the Wordsworth poem below is to flee and learn from the other experiences of life. Still, a parable Luther supposedly used comes to mind in considering the situation: We must be careful, that like a drunk man riding a horse, when trying to recover from leaning too far one way, we do not fall off the opposite side. Still, I include Wordsworth below for my current mood; a little straightening up in the saddle couldn't hurt anyone, right?

The Tables Turned
William Wordsworth

Up! up! my Friend, and quit your books;
Or surely you'll grow double:
Up! up! my Friend, and clear your looks;
Why all this toil and trouble?

The sun above the mountain's head,
A freshening lustre mellow
Through all the long green fields has spread,
His first sweet evening yellow.

Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife:
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music! on my life,
There's more of wisdom in it.

And hark! how blithe the throstle sings!
He, too, is no mean preacher:
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.

She has a world of ready wealth,
Our minds and hearts to bless--
Spontaneous wisdom breathed by health,
Truth breathed by cheerfulness.

One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:--
We murder to dissect.

Enough of Science and of Art;
Close up those barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

5 Lessons Learned in Canada (and some about coffee)

I learned the following things while on a ski trip to Canada this weekend.

#1 - My gas tank can hold 53 Liters, or, as I like to think of it, 26.5 bottles of Sierra Mist.

#2 - When a hamburger comes with "bacon" on it, be prepared for a horrible patty with a slice of ham on it

#3 - My life goal is to find the gene that makes people want to snowboard and eradicate it through eugenics. Or, I will invent the half-pipe of death that way I can also eliminate skiers who want to be snowboarders as well. Beautiful.

#4 - Canada is just like America but with more of the following: snow, "eh's," open spaces, and red maple leafs ubiquitously placed on everything.

#5 - Wearing a maple leaf on clothing is way cooler than wearing an American flag. I am still not sure why.

Things I learned this morning:
Before purchasing a new coffee maker, press the reset button on the plug to make sure it is in fact the coffee maker that is broken.

Paradox of this morning:
I make coffee in order to wake up, yet, I must be awake to make coffee.

Ramifications of above paradox:
Today I woke up without coffee because the coffee maker was "broken."
Last week, I cleaned up coffee from every crevice in the immediate area because the carafe did not "fit" in its rightful spot.
The coffee maker switch must be placed into the "on" position in order for maximum efficiency.
The coffee maker must have coffee placed in the filter in order for maximum efficiency.
The coffee maker must have water poured from the carafe into it for maximum efficiency.
I now believe that people with alarms on coffee makers are not lazy, but infinitely wise.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Beginning of Americana

I’d like to think our trip started at 4 am on Thursday March, First, 2007 when we loaded the last of our gear into the trunk of my beige well worn 1998 Buick Century, but it began far before that. Without dredging into the faintly recollected first baseball game (one of my earlier one was in second grade opening day), the event that germinated this entire trip took place on Saturday, October Seventh. While working at the game room of my undergraduate institution, me and two friends watched the upstart Detroit Tigers upset the New York Yankees three games to one.

The next ten minutes included raucous celebration with a bottle carbonated beverage (that is, due to being on an alcohol free campus, and being on the clock, sparkling grape juice). However, very soon, we realized that our celebration wasn’t stopping. The Tigers were set to meet the Oakland Athletics in the American League Championship (ALCS). Immediately, we started searching for tickets online. Game 5 of the ALCS series seemed to suit us best, and a Sunday afternoon enjoying baseball sounded fantastic. Like traders on the floor of the New York Stock exchange, my friends Eric and Kevin, and I compiled a list of all the yeses and began searching for tickets. Grouped three and five, four and four, six and two, we searched for eight tickets on the ticketmaster website. Finally, when the dust settled we had eight tickets together to take in the Tigers versus the Athletics in what we imagined to be the clinching game of the ALCS.

As history would of course confirm, there was no game five to the 2006 ALCS. When this became apparent to Eric and I, we immediately knew we needed to be a part of the history. When the Tigers took a 3-0 lead in the bottom of the fifth of game three, we saw the Tigers sweep inevitably coming. The excitement level was high, but tempered by the fact that we no longer had tickets to the show. Immediately, Eric, or Bus as we call him, pulled out his laptop and started furiously searching for tickets to game four. I called around to my co-workers to see if I could get anyone to cover my shift in the game room the next day. Within twenty minutes, we had purchased the cheapest two tickets we could find, I had recruited a gracious friend (who had a ticket to game five) to work for me, and we set up plans to make the hike from central Indiana to Detroit the next morning.

The next morning we awoke at eight am to make a four hour journey to Detroit. Although the ETA was still four hours before the game, we were in a hurry. Since these were some of the “dark ages” of our collegiate life, we had no access to the Internet (or much of anything else) from our dirt cheap, cramped and drafty flat/attic. The tickets we purchased were E-tickets which were supposed to be e-mailed to us. We went to Bus’s school government office to check our e-mail in hopes we could access and print the tickets. No dice. We left in hopes that we would still receive them via e-mail and from his high stakes college job (let’s just say he wasn’t supervising freshman playing pool, like me) he had a blackberry with which we could check his e-mail.

A brief pit-stop at Arby’s filled Eric with a breakfast sandwich, and my four breakfast entrees filled him with a sense of awe at my appetite. Periodically, Eric checked his e-mail and as we approached the Michigan border, we began to worry about the tickets. We called the 1-800 helpline from the website and informed them of the problem. Within the hour, we had the tickets in Eric’s e-mail inbox. However, we had no way of transferring the tickets from his phone to paper. I knew a couple with Tigers season tickets who would be attending the game, and on a hunch, I called them and asked them to print the tickets off and meet us at the game. We arrived in downtown Detroit just after noon, with the tickets in the hands of a trusted friend coming a few hours later.

We were early enough to park on the street adjacent to lots charging gobs of money for a slot on the gravel. Since we didn’t have a vested interest in tailgating (the preparations for such an endeavor would have required more time), we parked on the curb and headed to the ball-park. After the requisite photographs taken around the giant statue tiger in front of the park, we headed to the iconic Hockeytown café for the pre-game tailgate. With hundreds of others, we partook in grilled hamburgers, chips, and the classic American beverage. From the patio, we viewed the Detroit skyline and soaked in the atmosphere. The buzz was electric, but the temperature was frigid. We stood outside and weathered the cold for the site of thousands of fans pouring into the usually deserted Detroit seats with expectations which hadn’t been seen since the mid-eighties.

My friends finally arrived with the tickets and we joined them in Detroit’s Greektown enclave for some Greek appetizers and a Canadian beverage imported from the country lying due South of Detroit (look for Windsor, Ontario on a map). Greektown, lying adjacent to the professional football and baseball stadiums of Detroit, carries a huge portion of the pre-game festivities in the city. We sat in the back of a tiny but packed authentic-ish restaurant and watched the fans flow by. Soon however, the pitcher was drained and our appetizers were gone.

We received the golden tickets printed on inkjet paper and hoped that by some cruel twist of fate the barcode wasn’t already used up by another in an online scam. We didn’t breath easy until we stepped inside the dark green gates of Comerica Park and were apart of the action. In our haste and economy to purchase tickets, we hadn’t really considered where they would be located. We found our section easily, as we knew it was likely an outfield corner and climbed to our row. In retrospect, when a row is designated by two sets of letters late in the alphabet, the seats probably are not prime real estate. However, we were simply grateful to be in the park and going to the very top row almost made the experience more idyllic. We sat perched above the field, with nothing between us and the outside street below but a plastic coated green chain-link fence. The wind had not trouble piercing through the fence and whatever Tigers gear we had remembered to put on that morning. The family of six next to us looked like they may have confused Tiger Stadium with a ski slope as they were all dressed in full-out bib snow-pants, zippered jackets, hats, and mittens. It may be my memory deceiving me, but I could have sworn the father was wearing a pair of Scott ski-goggles around his neck.

A father and daughter combo sat to our left and the young lady caused me to turn my head with the knowledge she demonstrated through conversing with her father (though not Eric’s because he was already spoken for by his fiancé). In front of us sat an elderly gentleman who seemed to be in awe of the entire experience. I would have paid a heft price for a pair of bib-overalls at that point as the fierce wind pierced the October air. One or two rows down was infinitely warmer than the top of the stands because of the respite from the wind, but even this upper-deck was too packed to try and squeeze down.

The air was briefly deflated from our wings as the A’s compiled to quick runs in the first. However, Bonderman was known for getting shelled early, only to come back with great stuff later in the game. However, by the fourth, Jay Payton’s homerun and the lack of Tigers offense had things looking grim. The wind was picking up so much so that the cold made the top row unbearable. Rather than give up our seats in order to watch the game standing from a common balcony or beer garden, I applied for a visa card in exchange for a fleece blanket. That blanket provided enough warmth for Bus and I to remain entrenched in the stands.

In the next few innings the Tigers tied the score at three setting up the greatest sports finish I have ever witnessed live (not counting my performance in high school football). After homering in the sixth inning, Magglio Ordonez stepped up in the bottom of the ninth with two outs already on the board. Two tigers had managed to get on base and fans were hoping that a single would send one home and avoid extra innings. However, on the second pitch of the at bat Ordonez belted the ball to left field, setting off a series of mayhem that I cannot entirely recall.

I jumped ecstatically in my top row seat and hugged my friend. I exchanged high-fives with the dorky ski family and the father and daughter next to me. The old man in front of me grabbed my hands and another excited fan pulled me down into the row in front of me. A similar raucous occurred elsewhere. The older gentleman in front of Bus had streams of tears coming down his icy cheeks and was filled with palpable joy. The players on the field mirrored the fans excitement and the entire experience was etched into the minds of all that were present. The Tigers, who lost 119 games only three seasons prior had defeated the mighty Yankees, swept the infamous “moneyball” Athletics and seemed to have a title for the taking when the St. Louis Cardinals came to down days later.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Ned E.

Summer sausage, sandwiched between thick cut scraps of sharp cheddar cheese sat naked on the rusting hood of a powder blue dodge pick-up. The cheese gripped tightly to the ridged hood and kept the sausage, still complete in its faux skin, from sliding down and onto the gravel driveway beneath. The air was thin and crisp, even for a cold April morning and the hood was steely cool. The round edges of the sausage protruded on either side from the yellow-orange cheese and its fatty white flecks were exposed to the cool air. The congealed flesh and gristle, processed, but not devoid of its animal taughtness, glistened in the cool sun. The maroon wrapper, slightly peeled on one side flapped as the wind whipped past it, gave the meat a tough exterior, but the center of the sausage, with its gel-like softness and yet underlying density gave the animal protein and lard a cold, harsh aura.

Ned’s dark, rough hands could not feel the powdery grip of the cheese, but the size of the morsel felt natural as he brought the beef and cheese to his lips. A few swift bites, the substance nearly sectioned itself, and Ned sent the beef to the fierce, fiery furnace below. His stomach was the only entity within himself which could cause him pain. His throat and chest burned ceaselessly with the gastric juices from within. A strange sense of satisfaction ran through Ned when he appeased his stomach momentarily with the processed but seemingly raw animal products. He stoked the internal flames, knowing well, that his steady diet of Banquet ® Chicken Pot Pies, summer sausage, sharp cheddar, and bacon was the cause of his internal broiler.

He leaned against the grill of the car and closed his eyes. Consistent weariness lent Ned to fits of closed-eye thought sessions. Halfway through his work day didn’t seem close enough to being able to retire to the Pink Flamingo trailer park. Slowly, the strange sandwiches disappeared from the hood, and were replaced by a little Debbie and can of coke. Slow sips from the Coca-cola classic reinvigorated his dormant heartburn, and he tried to quell it with bites from a zebra cake. When the cake was gone, he took one last swig from the aluminum can and tossed it into his fire red lunch cooler. The zebra cake wrapper blew away with a gust of wind and Ned’s crunching footsteps followed after it and stomped on it to hold it to the ground. He gingerly bent over at the waist grabbed the wrapper, and joined it with the Coca-cola in his cooler.

Back to work, he picked up his hoe and returned to the freshly exposed soil. The soil was rich and full, the way freshly roasted coffee beans smell. On either side of the patch of naked ground, were large trees, looming as if from another era, fully matted below with grass, still brown from the winter’s bite. Ned traded his hoe for a spade and shored up the kidney-shaped outline which he was cutting from the grass. More fresh soil lay below, seemingly nourished by the healthy grass above it. This too, Ned stroked with the hoe, recreating an untainted earth, preserved from weeds by years of pesticides aimed at keeping the blanket of Kentucky blue grass above in top shape. When the bed was adequately prepped, Ned returned to his truck, pulled a shovel and nursery grown azalea from the bed. In the chilled shade of the mammoth oaks, he planted the azalea, just on the cusp of the bed, in his mind, perfectly contrasting what would be the rest of the bed.

The thin, scrawny, crab apple tree was always hard to remove from the truck. He rolled it down gently from the mulch pile, his hands scrapping on the knotty trunk. He slid two 2x4 pieces of lumber from the truck and placed them in position so he could roll the root ball downwards. The burlap sac surrounding the mass of dirt and tangled roots felt soft and gentle in Ned’s hands and he relished the experience. The small tree, constrained from below by the twine and burlap confines would soon be liberated to the deep coffee-rich soil below. Like a freed bird its roots would extend, farther and farther from home, perching amongst the roots of other plants, flowers, and trees.

After an hour of softly scooping out the cold, hard earth beneath the top soil, Ned laid the crab apple tree on its side and reached into his back packet. Warmed on one side from his back and cool on the other from the air, Ned extended the blade from its steel case and began working through the burlap. Once sliced, the burlap easily rips, frayed edges splitting unevenly to each side, like a curtain being torn from top to bottom exposing the beauty of the roots below. Clumpy dirt surrounds puny scraps of root, with nothing about it to which one would be attracted.

Arranged adequately in the hole Ned began scooping dirt around the edges of the root. His booted foot, pressed down on the deep soil to harden the dirt around the tender root. More dirt, more feet, more shovel, less air. Deeper and deeper he imagined the roots growing, spreading throughout this man-made garden. Retreating to the nearby house, he extended the coils of a dormant hose to the source. Stretching the cobwebs along with the house, he traversed the thick bluegrass towards his crab apple tree. Softly, gently, he slid the mouth of the house in to the densely packed earth.

As he walked back to the house, he checked his watch. Three hours since lunch, not quite time yet. When working on a job alone, he could put in longer hours, not distracted by the nuisances of conversations. He turned on the water, and watched it surge along the hose. Back at the tree, he heard it filling up the earthen jar he had carved below. The ground around the tree slowly pulsed, occasionally a bubbling up would occur. Ned watched momentarily before returning to the truck. He pulled a wheel barrow from the back and began to fill it with mulch from the bed. When he pulled the top off the fresh mulch, steam from the organic decomposition warmed the local air. He blanketed the area around the tree with the shredded remnants of its brothers. The warm, moist nuggets leave a dark brown goodness on his hands. With his hands he crafts a moat of sorts around the crab apple tree, enshrining royalty and supplying the web of spreading roots with a wash of fresh, cold water.

Quickly, smoothly, handily with the ungraceful precision that only years of muscle memory provide, Ned scooped out dirt around the fringes of the bed, providing small holes only as big as his foot. Twelve of them buffered the edges of the kidney shaped cut-out. Over his shoulder he carried a large bag of peat moss, wrapped tightly in thin white and green plastic. He set it down with a thud between to holes and wisps of dusty peat smoked through the air. With his shovel, he split the bag, from top to bottom, exposing the light brown powder to the crisp air. He placed half a scoop in each hole, carefully mixing it by hand with the soil below. Twelve leafy green hostas he molded to the earth, firm as stones in their foundation.

With a quick yank, he pulled the water from the crab tree moat, and let it splash on the now dried open ground. As a healer prays over the crippled, he raised his arm over each hosta, sprinkled a splash of water on the leaves before bathing the soil around the plants with the water. With weary arms, he finished the job by pitchforking the rest of the mulch into wheelbarrows and gently spreading it, sometimes with hands, sometimes with hoe, across the garden before him. Finally, it was his time, he loaded tools in the wheelbarrow, then the truck, and placed the 2x4 lumber in last, crossing them underneath the tools so he could close the back gate in a nice neat, tidy, portable sacred canon.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Mister Frank

Crackling, crisping, clicking flames leaped over a pile of dirty wood. On a balmy, sixty degree, sun-shining day it seemed unnecessary. Viewed from an insulated window the scene would appear no more extraordinary than a bundled, winter-walker sauntering down a bright sunny road. A large pile of wood for the burning sat next to the flames and was slowly, methodically, cautiously being depleted. A few hundred yards behind him, cargo ships loomed large, flanked on all sides by small fishing boats. The giant vessels lay stagnant supported by deciduous trees. Gleaming steel and the barnacle laden undersides lay exposed for the first time since the ship’s genesis.

Mister Frank, as he was almost universally known, could have only been more suited for this event if he was wearing gloves with the fingers chopped off. As it was, he wore the lower extremity equivalent, almost European looking capris hung loosely from his full belly withholding a hearty laugh. He sat, exposed ankles soaking in the unnecessary heat. He held a hammer in one hand and he jerkily clawed nail after nail from pieces of moldy wood to throw in a bucket. To his right, he collected a small pile of set-apart wood. Shoddily stenciled lambs and hearts graced the crown molding. Two small fragments he set aside, and looked at with a half-smile. On his left, he laid the rest of the wood. Periodically, he rose to grab a scrap of the fragmented timber and send it hissing into the fire.

Over his right shoulder, he glanced back to see his wife, Miss Liz exiting from their brand-new home. In her bathrobe, she descended the steps of their FEMA trailer and grinned at him. She carried cup of piping coffee to set on the chair next to him, furthering the mistaken winter-image. Miss Liz too, glanced over at the pile of sheep wood and let a gentle melancholy smile grace her face. Silently, she put a hand on Mister Frank’s shoulder, and retreated to the confines of the white trailer. Mister Frank stood, stretched, rubbed his hands over the fire only because he believed it was what one should do in this situation.

Standing and turning his head, Mister Frank glanced back at the source of his fuel. A thirty by thirty wood frame stood capped above ten feet by the remnants of aluminum siding and the glistening, sandpaper black shingled roof. He glanced back to his wood pile and a shiver did run through his spine. Enough shivering he thought as he took a pull from his stoneware mug. His eyes followed the dirt track from his pile, to the pile at the shipwreck. Instead of separating iron nails from their pile, Sternitz Brothers Shipbuilding had nothing but iron. Rusted metal scraps loomed large above the barbed wire fence protecting the area.

His eyes traveled the horizon, past the small suspension bridge, along the road of his exodus two weeks prior, through the rich forest and rested on the Caribbean Clipper. He began to imagine the tumult they must have felt as Katrina beat on them with her snarling backhand. The crew of Columbians on the ship were found only days ago, too scared to exit after the storm, and too high above the forested island upon which they landed. They sent one lone messenger down in a lifeboat from Ararat to try and obtain supplies for the rest of the crew.

Mister Frank had left town three weeks earlier on the advice of the town’s leaders. He thought he had been through the worst before, but heeded the warning nonetheless. He only needed to travel a few miles inland to take refuge in Bayou La Batre Christian Church on higher ground. Most of the town’s residents took refuge in the church, forming the city on the hill, lit my candlelight, looking down on the brooding of Katrina.

While most of the world was focusing on Saints marching in to New Orleans, Mister Frank laid holed up at the church. The waters receded, as did his home. Weeks later, FEMA unhitched his brand new residence and he returned to his plot of land with his wife. The memory of the experience did not carry pain with it. Mister Frank was sure he had known pain, but couldn’t recall what it was. Instead he continued to ply nails from timber and press on, the only thing he had ever learned to do.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Today is gonna be the day . . .

The extent of self-deception never ceases to amaze me. For at least the past 10 years, I have convinced myself every morning that I as soon as I finished my task for the day (school, work, random others) that I would come home, plop straight in bed and sleep until Kingdom come. In those last ten years, I have fulfilled that self-promise at most ten times. Once a year, I make good on my autonomous pledge. About two-to-three hours in my day, it dawns on me that I will not be retiring to bed when I get home like I promised and curse myself for waking up. What amazes me about the situation is not my persistent ability to deceive myself, but that at six am amongst the cacophonous chorus of my Sony Ericsson T470 cell phone/alarm clock, I actually believe in good faith that today will be the day I make good on a promise.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Realizations from a Road Trip

I traveled 11 hours each way on a road trip to Durham, North Carolina this past holiday weekend. Here is what I learned (more tomorrow if these are enjoyable).
  1. Town squares are awesome
  2. Small towns have a preponderance of subways
  3. If I ever own a farmhouse I am definitely going to put fake candles in every window.
  4. Celery is not a good road trip snack, neither are peanuts, shredded whear (Each of which I took on my roadtrip, each of which are also coincidentally very high in fiber).
  5. Durham, NC is like Disney world/Harry Potter Land for rich kids.
  6. Paying with a twenty dollar bill at a toll-booth is not looked upon highly.
  7. Coincidentally, paying with nickels and pennies at a toll booth is not looked upon highly.
  8. The state of Ohio is extremely long.
  9. Tunnels don’t get old. I anticipated that they would stop being cool around age 23, unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I still find them riveting.
  10. On a related note, radios and cell phones do not seem to work inside a tunnel. Good thing driving through them is so darn cool.
  11. As much as I try to disagree, my tastebuds still do not like tomatoe juice.
  12. On a related note, tomatoe juice is not a beverage of choice on a road trip (because it doesn’t go well with peanuts or shredded wheat of course).
  13. Going the speed limit makes spying a police officer hiding in the bushes a lot less frightening.
  14. When you go the speed limit, impatient drivers are a lot more frightening.
  15. By my approximation, I counted around 52 Kiss fm stations in Midwest/Southern America.
  16. I have no idea why someone would want to name and or listen to a station named Kiss fm unless it featured Gene Simmons.
  17. Any blue sign on the road beginning with the words “tourist activities” can be promptly ignored unless you have a deep desire to rid yourself of twenty dollar bills to avoid uncomfortable situations at the toll booth.
  18. Counting singles may, or more likely may not be, a perquisite to aquiring a job at a toll booth.
  19. However, having a southern accent while working at a toll booth, totally makes up for a lack of counting ability.
  20. In sparsely populated parts of America, the only type of music broadcasted on fm is either a) horrendous Christian or b) horrendous country. Which, are apparently the same genre to rural populations.
  21. “Thus sayeth the lord” might be the most commonly heard phrase found while scanning the radio in the middle of nowhere. Talk about a voice in the wilderness.
  22. I am not sure why so many cities need cannons mounted in the town square. But in the event that intruders have a geometric preference for attacking perfect versions of rectangles situated next to courthouses and are susceptible to heavy spherical projectiles, we are in safe hands.
  23. Gas station coffee allows only two unfortunate options: Drink it while its hot enough to burn your taste buds, or drink it when cool enough to lament the fact that you have taste buds.
  24. If you ever see a sign on the highway advertising free coffee at a rest stop, do not stop, because it is a lie. Unless of course, that old guy in the corner with the shabby trailer was actually doling out cups of coffee, then the advertisement may be true, but all the more reason not to stop.
  25. Thanks to advertisements on the back of semi’s, I now know the going rate per mile at each company, and all I can say is: Sucks to be Schneider national drivers, eh?
  26. I need to work on mastering the art of stopping in a gas station, using the restroom, and wlaking right back out without purchasing anything without feeling guilty. My collection of gum, lipton green tea, V8 juice and Gatorade has grown excessive and only perpetuates the cycle.
  27. “Come on Eileen” is still being ubiquitously played on the radio.
  28. When Google Maps supplies a given route with a time of 11 hours and 37 minutes, that time does not hold true when you decide to take side roads running parallel to the interstated.
  29. Coincidentally, you cannot merely knock off two hours from the time, tell yourself you will go 10 over the whole way, and not pee. You will in fact, pee, buy green tea, pee some more, and arrive two hours late.
  30. In the case of Christmas decorations and assorted inflatable lawn creatures, less is still more central Ohio.
  31. The Buick Century was not built upon the premise that fast acceleration was king.
  32. The Buick Century was not built upon the premise that twenty-four year olds driving it should be able to pick up females.
  33. The South is apparently different from the North. Northerners are apparently unaware of this fact, while Southerners are apparently all to keenly aware. Why don’t they just start their own country.
  34. The actual name of an interstate has little to do with where it is going. For example, I recently was traveling on I-40 N and I-81 S at the same time. I have to believe that people on this freeway were, like me, feeling a) counterproductive, b) lied to or c) strangely akin to Stretch Armstrong.
  35. Brown caffeinated beverages are easily spill-able, startlingly stain-forming, and embarrassingly forgettable three days later when you put on the pants without looking at the lower thigh.
  36. There is a distinct limit to how long driving can be how fun.
  37. I went golfing with my friend who is in school to be a minister. As a medical student, I felt as if our outing was training for the beginning of a future joke. (PS I’m Irish)
  38. When determining whether to turn right or left, no tool is more useful than “never, ever, sell watermelon.” Unfortunately one can often missapproximate the direction of never, leading to a turn towards watermelon at the wrong time.
  39. I do not know what at least 50% of the signs I see mean (i.e. “no jake brake,” “soft shoulder,” “speed limit”).
  40. “Next 23 miles under construction” is code for “Sucks to be you, guy behind the semi.”
  41. The wrong way signs on free way on/off ramps are way to close to being on the wrong side. On a related note, way too many people were getting off the freeway on an on-ramp this weekend.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The Canadian Adventure (Part One)

One of my favorite things to do in medical school is to dream about all the other places I could currently be. This dreaming led me and another medical student friend (at Indiana University) to plan a trip hiking the Appalachian trail. Recently, however, I was reminded of probably my most “adventurous” experience to date. The following is an account of a trip I took during the summer of 2005:

I left my last class of the summer semester on a bright, sunny day. My bags were loaded into the trunk of my car, along with my sleeping bag and other requisite accessories for a weekend in the Canadian wilderness. I hopped on US-127 and headed north, essentially through the longitudinal midline of the Michigan mitten. I hoped to be in Montreal River Harbor before the sun went down, but I had plenty of time to enjoy the ride.

I drove through the Upper Peninsula for the first time and enjoyed the new sites and openness of the area. Soon, I made it to the US St. Ste. Marie and then through its Canadian sister. I stopped by an outfitter’s store and bought a Canadian fishing license (which given my ability, I should have reconsidered). As I left St. Ste. Marie, I continued on the Trans Canada Highway towards Montreal River Harbor. I knew before I left I was heading into no man’s land, but I was surprised by how desolate it was.

Little did I know, where I was to meet my friend Mark was just the beginning of nowhere. I met him at a small gas-station/liquor depot/café/post-office which serviced an apparently large area with few residents. We gassed up, and I left my Buick there and hopped in the pickup to share the front seat with a golden retriever. We drove another half-hour into the Canadian wilderness before coming to a chain link fence.

Mark opened it via remote, and we then danced across the top of a dam in the pick-up. “This is a utility owned dam, they let us drive across it because it’s the only way into camp,” he explained. A few more logging roads later, we arrived at a boat launch. We then loaded all our belongings into the boat and crossed over the river to finally arrive at the site of the camp. We trudged up a steep hill and arrived at the camp. There were a few buildings, a general dorm, all-purpose building, and central camp.

Mark showed me to a room above the cafeteria which he called home for the past three summers. I was introduced to the staff and then I headed out with Mark to the camp. Mark was using a large backhoe to move felled trees into seats to form a ring around a fire.

To be continued tomorrow. . .

Friday, November 2, 2007

The forbidden fruit (roll-up)

If I could eat any meal I wanted right now, I probably wouldn’t choose, but would highly consider the following: a crystal pepsi, dunkaroos (with vanilla frosting), meijer food club brand fruit snacks, some sort of ridiculous lunchable, cooler ranch Doritos, a chaco taco, and perhaps some tang to wash it all down.

Unfortunately, 1992 came and went and I never had the honor of consuming such a meal. However, I always desperately wanted to pack a lunch with those exact items. I am not sure which of the above are still available in stores, but it is tempting to try them for nostalgia’s sake.

The same nostalgia led someone to bid fifteen bucks on ebay for an unopened can of crystal pepsi. I completely understand. Those nostalgic items bring me back to my youth, not because I ever really enjoyed eating them, but because I perpetually desired them and rarely got them.

Now, I could easily purchase and consume a collection of processed goods with no consequence (the requisite gastrointestinal effects excluded), but it wouldn’t have the same satisfaction. In fact, it may take away from the high place those items have in my mind.

I really don’t think I am hung up on the processed food, but on the “good ‘ole days” when I needed permission to obtain food. Back then, homecooking was out, and anything processed, sugared, and packaged in plastic was in. I, as a brown bagger filled with PB & J, carrots, and an apple, was out. Obviously, I intend to put my kids through the same torture. I perpetually keep myself from enjoying strictly those things (though I am much more lax than the ‘rents were) because of the effect of my upbringing.

Yet, those processed luxuries are almost universal in their appeal to my peers and I. We all remember how “cool” they seemed and how satisfaction was only one gleaming, shinny, sugary package away. I think (maybe) we long for them because we long for the simpler days when that was all we wanted. Literally, I don’t think I could imagine anything making me more happy. Ah for the good days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to see if I have any bugles in the house.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

A whole New World

Like all jobs, colleges, universities, clubs, sects, and other factions, medical school necessitates that its members be in a world of its own. Occasionally, students may forget about this fact, but at some point it becomes evident that they are currently in a world that many will never experience. Earlier this morning, I was reviewing some gross anatomy with a friend and we were quizzing each other. Another resident of my building walked into the room and had to immediately modify how I would phrase the question, “what are the borders of the anal triangle?” It is when two worlds combine that it becomes evident that I’ve been living in a separate one.

I have been on the other side of this scenario as well. For example, whenever I visit my sister, we go out with her work friends and I hear about nothing other than washers, driers, and dishwashers all night. They start dropping acronyms like P and G (Proctor and Gamble) all over the place and I spend the first half of the night trying to figure out what they are talking about. I spend the second half of the night trying to figure out how and why anyone would learn/know that much about laundry and dishes.

However, being a part of a smaller subset can have its perks. For example, I have a friend at Indiana Medical school who I could call today and be like, “Dude, we had to saw off the leg today.” Instead of looking at me in sheer horror, he would say, “Man, I know, we had to do that last week, it was crazy.” The bond formed by this common experience is a bonus of being in the same subset.

I feel like there is a real danger of alienation though which would add to the divide, specifically between the doctor and patient. In a mock interview, I heard a medical student ask could you describe the palliative measures you use with your symptoms. I didn’t even know what palliative meant until this year and am still hesitant to use it in a sentence. I understand within the medical community that might be how one has to talk, but in general life, it seems a bit stifling. That is the greatest danger I see devoting myself fully (somewhat) to this medical education. That said, my cognitive processes have manifested themselves in an unconscious autonomic volition to “hit the books.” (I am a failure at making coherent precocious sentences).